In honor of Valentine’s Day I thought I would share how cancer, caregivers and loss showed me what real love looks like.
The first time my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer she and I lived in Dallas for several months while she was receiving treatment. My dad stayed behind in Oklahoma, but he would visit us on weekends. She met another woman during that time who had a son around the same age as me, and he and I would play together while our mothers received treatment. We all became fast friends. Our mothers would often trade off watching us when one needed to rest or just get personal things done without a five year old running around. After my mom and I left Dallas she continued to keep in touch with her new friend. A few months later my mom learned that the woman’s husband had an affair while she was sick and ultimately left her. She was alone, still sick and continuing to take treatments with two young kids. I was too young at the time to really understand the implications of his actions I just remember feeling sad for the kids. Unfortunately, my mom’s friend lost her battle a year or so later. Too this day I still wonder about her kids and if they turned out alright.
I remember my dad saying real men don’t leave their wives when they get sick. There was nothing more sickening to him than a man leaving a woman just because she was sick. But unfortunately the diagnosis of cancer or serious illness does deeply affect relationships both mentally and physically. I was lucky enough to be raised and have seen first-hand what it meant to love someone ‘till death do us part’. It was a great example of what I wanted in my marriage. However, I knew I had a target on my back and the likelihood of having cancer or a major surgery was a real possibility in my future. The thought of meeting someone who couldn’t handle it was my worst nightmare. I remember bringing it up during pre-marriage counseling because I felt like it was the biggest elephant in the room.
The fact of the matter is being a caregiver for someone with a serious illness isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s hard work, with very little reward, especially when you are dealing with a person who has a terminal illness. You work around the clock making sure the other person is well taken care of without expecting someone to take care of you in return. Because at the end of the day that is the definition of selflessness.
Luckily, I did find a guy who was man enough to handle my BRCA1 diagnosis and all that comes with it. But there have been reports from women who have had full breast amputation that their partners have left them because they can’t get the intimacy back due to the physical changes of their body. There are also instances where a partner will leave because caring for someone with a serious illness wasn’t what they signed up for when they got married. Don’t get me wrong, not everyone leaves their partner and this goes for both genders. The intent of this post is not just to look down on men.
The other side to the problem is that I think those who are sick or going through elected preventative surgery forget to ask their partner how this affects them. I remember asking my husband from time to time leading up to the surgery how he was doing. I had the world asking me how I was doing, but again, no one was asking him.
Because I was so independent I didn’t want my family to be worried about me. I remember dreading the time leading up to telling my father I was BRCA1 positive because I didn’t want him to worry or be scared. After all, it hadn’t been that long since my mother had passed away from cancer and was probably still very fresh in his mind like it was in mine. I struggled telling my husband of barely a year for the fear of him thinking I was broken or worrying that I would get cancer. But the fact of the matter was they were my support system and they were rock stars when the time came for surgery and the weeks after during my recovery.
I was grateful to be surrounded by my dad and my husband during the week following my surgery. One unforeseen benefit to them supporting me is I believe it also strengthened their relationship. As I said, we had only been married a short time and my dad and husband had never really spent one on one time together since we live in different cities. I feel as though this gave them a chance to bond over a mutual interest (me) and my father saw first-hand how my husband took care of me. I think he felt relieved knowing I would be in good hands. Since that time they have had a much stronger relationship.
As someone who is going through treatment or surgery don’t be afraid to talk to your support system and ask them how they are doing. As a caregiver, don’t be afraid to talk to your loved one about your feelings and reach out to other caregivers like a support group (online or face to face). No one has to be alone in this journey.
To all those men and women taking care of your loved ones, you are the real MVP’s. Happy Valentines Day!
